.geography. (guest submission)

1st Grader (to Teacher): "Where are you from?"

Teacher: "Finland."

1st Grader: "Oh man, I was SO close!"

Teacher: "Where did you think I was from?"

1st Grader: "I thought you were from Mexico."

.hair cut.

6th grader 1: "You got a haircut!!!"

Me: "I did."

6th grader 1: "You look like Tin Tin!"

Me: "Oh yeah? Thank you."

6th grader 2: "You look like a 1950s cop, but the 'bad cop'."

Me: : "Thank you!"

(This is Tin Tin)

.inside that inside that inside that.

Lunch Room

6th grader walks up with a bag.

Me: "What is in the bag?"

6th grader: "Another bag."

Me: "Oh, like one of those Russian dolls. A bag inside a bag, inside a bag, inside a bag..."

Another 6th grader: (with a mouthful of Rice Krispie Treat) "BAGCEPTION!"

.sweet smell.

Playground

5 year old: "You smell sweet! Why is that?!"

Me: "It is probably my deodorant."

5 year old: "Deodorant? Boys don't wear deodorant!"

Me: "Some do."

5 year old: (pause) "You right."

.drinkypoo.

lunch room


6th grader (pouring chocolate milk into sprite): (to me) "You want to try some of this?"

Me: "What do you call that?"

6th grader: "A Snow Goblin."

(he drank the whole thing)

.tools of the trade.

Computer Lab

6th grader 1: "You are our only hope, can you fix our computer? It is frozen on a page.

6th grader 2: "Yeah, sure! I will need a brass hammer and a meat cleaver."

6th grader 1: ...............

.robocop.

5 year old walks up to me with sweatpants, t-shirt, and a police hat on.

Me to a 5 year old: "What are you suppose to be?"

5 year old: "A robot."

.33.

Me (to a group of students): "Have you guys hit the age where you don't go trick or treating?"

Everyone: "No!"

6th grader: "You don't stop trick or treating until you are 33."

Me: "What happens when you turn 33?"

6th grader: "That is when you go as a 'sexy lion'."

.local.

Commenting on my mustache and wolf shirt as my halloween costume:

6th grader: "You are a dime a dozen in Maine."

.slow it down.

6th grader: "You know how at the end of the debate where they say what Obama said wasn't true and what Romney said wasn't true? What if they slowed the debate down to check on those things?"

.elevation.

Computer Lab

Teacher: "What should we use here?"

6th grader: "A tall comma."

Teacher: "A tall comma?"

6th grader: "An apostrophe."

Teacher: "Yes. A tall comma."

.pre.

Lunch Room

6th grader to me: "I just ran the mile in 8 minutes and 45 seconds in Khakis!!!"

.too many people at this house.

At the end of the day a student played Justin Bieber's 'Beauty and the Beat' music video.

Halfway through the video the quietest 8th grader in the class says, "Who are these people?!"

.let them play.

On the field during lunchtime

6th grader to an 8th grader: "LET THE KID PLAY, HE IS ONLY EIGHT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!"

.popcorn guns.

Lunch Room

We were talking about movies.

6th grader: "The weirdest movie I have ever seen is a movie called, "Clowns From Outer Space." They have popcorn guns and they wrap people up in cotton candy before they eat them."

.ice dancing.

Recess

I walk up on a group of students huddled around two students dancing

Me: "What is going on here? A ballet fight?"

6th grader: "No. Figure Skating fight. Figure. Skating."

.sad world.

8:15am

Homeroom

Me: "I remember when there was NO internet."

All at once a room full of 6th graders start laughing. 

6th grader: "YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME. WHAT A SAD WORLD."

.thunderdome.

Playground

A few students start to get rough playing football during lunch recess.

Me: "Hey Guys, no tackling. This isn't Thunderdome."

6th grader: (breathing heavy) "What is Thunderdome?"

Me: "Close to what you guys are doing."

.the grey.

Lunch Table

6th Grader: "Have you seen 'The Grey'?"

Me: "No, I haven't. Some of my friends have seen it and told me that it is good."

6th grader: "It is sooooo good!!!"

Me: "Oh yeah, give me two reasons why I should go see it?"

6th grader: "Well, for me, it was the best movie of 2011. And, for me, it was is the second saddest movie ever."

Me: "Really? What is the saddest movie?"

6th grader: "'The Hereafter'."

The Hereafter Trailer

.meat lover.

Hallway

4th Grader: "THIS SCHOOL NEEDS MORE STEAK!!!"

.movies in the arctic.

Me: "Well, it looks like we can't watch the movie on the screen."

Class: "What?!"

Me: "I don't have the right chord that goes into the laptop."

6th grader: "We can huddle around the laptop."

Me: "Not everyone will be able to see the movie."

6th grader: "That is how they do it in the Arctic!"

.java.

This 6th grade lunch table does NOT mess around!

.big foot.

6th grader: "How big is your foot?"

Me: "15."

6th grader: "WHAT?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL SIZE?!!!"

.fore.

Lunch Table

4th grader: "The only good Adam Sandler movies are the ones where he is playing golf."

.that is what makes you beautiful.

8th grader 1: "One Direction has done something that no other British band has ever done."

8th grader 2: "What?"

8th grader 1: "They came to America and became popular."

8th grader 2: "What about the Beatles?!"

8th grader 3: "Have you ever heard of the British Invasion?!"

8th grader 1: "WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!"

Growth Spurt

Me: "Hey! Welcome back! Are you ready for a great year?!"

7th Grader: "Yeah!!! Did your head get bigger?"

Me: "My hair?"

7th Grader: "No. Your head. Head! Head!"

.humming birds.

8:05 am

6th grader: "Why does the humming bird hum?"

Me: "His wings make that sound, right?"

6th grader: "Because he doesn't know the words."

Me: "Oh." (laughs) "I didn't know it was a joke."

6th grader: "Yeah, I know."

.say cheese.

6th grader: "If the paparazzi were falling me around all the time, I wouldn't have a problem with it at all. I love the camera and the camera loves me."

.tiara squats.

8th grader to me: "Have you considered joining Princess Bootcamp?"

.subrbatory.

2nd grader: "I'm sorry if I'm not myself today, I'm in a bad mood."

Me: "I'm sorry, what is bothering you?"

2nd grader: "I'm moving to the suburbs."

.smoking.

6th grader 1: "Smoking can kill you OR change your life."

6th grader 2: "Or all four."

.cannibalism.

Somehow cannibalism was brought up in history class

8th grader: "Yeah, cannibalism. Like Jeffrey Dahmer."

Teacher: "How do you know about Jeffrey Dahmer?"

8th grader: "From that Ke$ha song."

.hellllloooooooo.

3rd grader: "I just saw a new movie over the weekend. You probably have never heard of it, it is called 'Mrs. Doubtfire'."

.becoming you.

6th grader 1: "Hey! What are you doing with my jean shorts on?!"

6th grader 2: "These aren't yours!"

6th grader 1: "Yeah they are! I left them at your house when I slept over!"

6th grader 2: "Hahaha. I'm becoming you! I'm a part of you now!"

6th grader 1: (frustrated) "NO! That is not how it works!!!"

.NPR fan.

6th grader 1: "He is not a fan of NPR."

6th grader 2: "SCREW HIM!"

.space real estate.

6th grader to me: "Do you want to buy an acre of land on Mars?"

Me: "Sure. How much?"

6th grader: "$21 an acre."

Me: "Sounds like a deal!"

6th grader: "Yeah, I don't know the website, but you can find it online to buy the land."

.fake marriage.

Computer Lab after school

8th grader: "What are you doing?"

Me: "Watching one of those hidden camera shows where people surprise propose to each other."

8th grader: "What if someone asked someone to marry them on the second date, but the person asked as a joke, but the person that was asked said, 'yes'. Then the person that asked would say, 'I'll do it, but just know that it was a joke'."

.sea stories.

6th grader: "If I was a pirate, I would have two wooden legs.

Me: "That is interesting. Why is that?"

6th grader: "I could make up any story I want."

.full house.

Hallway

6th grader to another 6th grader: "Oh, it is okay, my house is FULL of sarcasm. So I get it!"

.lawyer level.

8th grader to me: "You should be a lawyer."

Me: "Why is that?"

8th grader: "I don't know, but I could see you saying, 'you're not on my level!'"

.ethnicity.

Lunch Room

4th grader to 4th grader: "Is Snooki Mexican? Oh, my gosh! I can't believe I just said that!!!"

.choppy chop chop.

Wiffle Ball field

Me: (a student got a hit who rarely gets a hit) "Great chop, bud!"

4th grader: "Chop?! What are you, a hippie from the 80's?!"

.math test.

Teacher: "You had a math test, correct?"

Class: "Yeah, we did"

Teacher: "How did it feel?"

Student: "Like a party in my brain."

.trade in.

7th grader: "If I was given Lake Michigan I would trade it in for 300 weiner dogs."

.not a quitter.

Hallway


8th grader 1: "Are you quitting soccer?"

8th grader 2: "NO! Why does everyone think that?! My Mom threw up this morning. That is why I wasn't at practice!"

.single.

Outside playing wiffle ball


4th grader: "You probably don't have a girlfriend."

Me: "Why do you say that?"

4th grader: "Because you're not hot enough."

Me: "You're playing left field, because of that comment."

4th grader: "COME ON! I WAS JUST KIDDING!!!"

.beard.

5th grader comparing two teacher's beards

5th grader: "His beard is like half homeless and half pimp. Yours is just full bear."

.eat your greens.

Lunch Room

I walk up the woman at the cash register with my lunch

Lady: (with Russian accent) "Ok, what do we have today?"

Me: "Just a big salad."

Lady: "A big salad. Just like you!"

Me: "Just like me, but with less olives."

Lady: (stares at me while she puts a napkin on my tray)

.running on empty.

Hallway

A student is running towards me at full speed.

Me: "Walk in the hallway, please."

Student: "I'm going to get my pills!!!"

Me: "Okay."

.safety first.

(guest entry)

4th grader: (running in the hallway, whispers matter-of-factly) "I have scissors."

.second baby scare.

Hallway

After hearing the first student ask me about my baby, another student asks me the same.

1st grader to me: "How is your baby?"

Me: "All of them are fine. How are your babies?"

1st grader: (laughing) "Fine."

.baby scare.

Hallway

A first grader runs up to me with a big grin on their face.

1st grader to me: "How is your baby?!"

Me: "Oh, I don't have a baby."

(they slap both hands against temples)

1st grader: "Oh, man! I thought you had a baby!"

Me: "That is okay. Do I look like I have a baby?"

1st grader: "Haha. Yeah. Hey! Do you know my sister?!"

(they run off immediately after asking the question)

.travel in time.

Homeroom


Me: "Here is our Friday question. If you could travel in the future to any time in your life to see what would happen or just to be there for the moment, where would you go?"

6th grader 1: "I wouldn't go, because I want to have my life be a surprise."

6th grader 2: "I would want to go to my death so I could find out how I die and cheat death. I would want to cheat death like Final Destination. I would cheat death and then die an even more horrible death."

6th grade 3: "Well, as you all know, when I grow up I want to be a Chinese game show host. So, I would go to my first game show I ever host. I want to see how intense I will be."

.Jornal.

Computer Lab

A student approaches me with a journal and asks me to scan a page from it so he could add it to his personal website.

I said yes.

.vday rush.

Valentines Day

Middle School Hallway

6th grader 1: "I ate so much candy this morning I am shaking."

6th grader 2: "I ate a cookie that was just frosting."

6th grader 3: "My lips are tingly."

.unicorn deuce.

Hallway

a group of students run up to me

6th grader: "Look at my nails"

(they are painted blue and covered in glitter)

Me: "Oh yeah! They look great!"

6th: "It looks like a unicorn pooped on my hand."

.birthday accomplishments.

Lunch Table

6th grader: "It is my birthday today."

Me: "Happy Birthday!! (high five) 12?!"

6th grader: "Yeah."

Me: "Man, that is great! You can do anything. Well, besides drive a car and vote."

6th grader: "That is okay. I am going to Fogo de Chao tonight for dinner."

.pack your bags and get to class.

Lunch Room

6th grader: (in the tune of 'Two Tickets to Paradise') "We've got five minutes 'til class starts..."

My jaw drops.

.dream.

Lunch Table

6th grader: (to me) I had a dream that you were with our class at The Original Pancake House."

Me: "I love that place!"

6th grader: "Yeah, you ordered this weird stuff there. You ordered raw hot sewage and a drink called Stumpler."

Me: "Are you sure it was me?"

6th grader: "Oh, yeah! It was you. You were wearing that shirt, too!"

Me: "I don't know, I never have Stumpler with breakfast foods."

6th grader: "What is Stumpler?"

Me: "I have no idea."

.baklava with meat.

I am with a group of students brainstorming ideas for meals to make at a community service site

7th grader: "We should make baklava."

Me: "Oh yeah, that sounds great!"

6th grader: "We should put meat in it, too!"

Me: "I think they already make those."

8th grader: (surprised) "Really?!"

Me: "Yeah, they're called Hot Pockets."

Everyone loses it.

.snow baby.

Outside on the field

Me: "Hey everyone, just to remind you, (pointing to the opposite side of the field) that corner of the field is designated as the 'snowball area'. So if you are thinking of throwing any type of snowball, move to that area."

6th grader: (shows me a small snowball) "This isn't a snowball. It is a baby ball."

They throw the snowball against a brick wall and a small baby figurine falls out of it on impact.

6th grader: (with a big grin) "See!!!"

.more chuck.

Listening to Chuck Berry after school in the Computer Lab

8th grader: "Chuck Berry sounds as good as pumpkin pie."

.play chuck.

After School in Computer Lab

Me: "Want to listen to some music?"

8th grader: "Sure!"

Me: "What are you in the mood for? Something chill? rock and roll? ambient? foreign?"

8th grader: "Chuck Berry."

Me: "MY DUDE!"

.dinner time.

Lunch Room

6th grader: "Every dinner I have from now on has to be Chili Mac."

.welcome back to school.

Lunch Room

A 3rd grade class lines up to get lunch at the hot lunch line. One of the students reads the menu, looks down the line, puts fist in the air and exclaims, "KALE!"